Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
