She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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