Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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