NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
