i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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