Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
