So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
