Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
