Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
