When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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