Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
