We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
