when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
