I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
