How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
