maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
