I puked a lego.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
