it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
