update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just want to make out with him forever
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
