Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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