So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
