I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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