And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
