The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
