i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
