Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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