Barsexuality is the new black.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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