I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
