so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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