Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
