Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
