Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
