remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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