some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
