Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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