Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
