i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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