I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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