I should be sponsored by Trojan
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
