so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
