you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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