3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
