matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
