Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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