When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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