If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
