If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
