she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
