happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When are your genitals available?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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