I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
