i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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